Inconsistent

Why am I so Inconsistent? Why can't I just make up my mind and do something about it? Why is it that when I make a decision not to do it I'll hold to it for a or two maybe even a couple of weeks but then I'll fall right back to it with much eagerness. Why is it that I feel like something I am doing is wrong. Like I should stop. But as soon as the opportunity arises to do it again I don't hesitate. It's so frustrating! I make up my mind that I'm going to start something, I'll get a ways into it and then slack off and not finish. It happens all the time. With the big stuff and with the small stuff. I don't finish. ever. Why? I just don't understand. I want to finish. I have the best of intentions. I'll even ask for help. I know I can't do it on my own, I have no problem admitting that. But no matter how many times I admit defeat, that I can't do it on my own and I need help, I always fail again. I always fall back to where I said I never wanted to go. It's driving me crazy and I can only imagine how it's effecting those around me. And here's the kicker. It only affects those who are closest to me that I don't want to hurt. Because they are the ones that I make the promises to over and over. I tell them I'm going to change, I'm a different person, I'm serious this time. And time after time I prove to them that I'm not a different person, I'm not going to change, and even if I was serious it doesn't matter. This is killing me. It's eating me alive. I don't know what to do or how to handle it! I remember the words of Paul when he said, the things I don't want to do are the things that I do, and the things I want to do never get done. I am so tired. I try putting the blame on others, saying that it's there fault for my failings. I try comparing myself to others and telling myself that I'm a better Christian than they are. I can make an excuse to justify anything. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I need help but I've know I've needed help for a while. I'm not afraid to admit that. But like everything else I'll start seeking help for a while and then just stop and not make an effort to continue. I don't know what to do. I can't completely turn away from my morals, my conscious, plans for the future, and position won't let me do that. but I can't seem to make any progress either. I'm just stuck in the mud spinning my tires with no hope of getting free. Any time I make a little progress I slip and sink deeper and deeper. I'm afraid of what I might have to do to break free. I'm running out of time. I'm making decisions that will effect the rest of my life. I'm so lost, I'm confused. I'm not confident in myself or the decisions I'm making. I'm wandering blindly in a snow storm hoping that I don't take a wrong turn and plummet off a cliff or fall into an icy pond. I need help. I need to be rescued. Help.  

10 Lame Excuses for Not Sharing Your Faith

By Greg Stier | Christian Post Guest Columnist

1. “It’s the pastor’s job, not mine.” (According to Ephesians 4:11,12 his job is to equip you to do the work.)

2. “I don’t know what to say.” (There are plenty of resources out there to help you!)

3. “I just live the gospel with my life.” (Good, now open your mouth and declare the good news!)

4. “I’m waiting for the perfect timing.” (There’s no such thing!)

5. “I don’t have the gift of evangelism.” (Well, I don’t have the gift of mercy but I still should show mercy!)

6. “They could reject me.” (No, Jesus said they will reject you…at times anyway.”

7. “I have bad breath.” (Testamints!)

8. “I don’t know how to bring it up.” (How about just ask, “What are your spiritual beliefs?”)

9. “I’m terrified.” (So am I. So was Paul! Let’s ask God for boldness like he did! Ephesians 6:19)

10. “They may ask me a question I don’t have the answer to.” (You don’t have to know all the answers. You just need to introduce them to the One who does!)




This is not mine but It was such an encouragement to me, It's a nice reminder! 

Mask

Am I wearing a mask? What am I hiding behind? I think I’ve found what my mask is, or at least the mask I use the most. My mask is the confident flirtatious guy mask. During my quiet times I have been listening to the sermon series Masquerade by life church pastor Craig Groeschel God has really been speaking to me through this sermon series but I haven’t really been convicted about anything until just a little bit ago as I was thinking back on the day. Today has been what you would call a normal day, very chill nothing to special happening (except getting to see my sister an mom for like two seconds which was great but it was only for a few min so it didn’t have like a huge affect on the day as a whole) but then I remembered something that happened right after choir that in the moment didn’t seem like a big deal but once I looked back on it I could tell that something was not right. A friend of mine who is more like an acquaintance because a lot of my friends know her really well but we have never actually gotten to know each other personally was with a table full of an assortment of bucks guys, phi lamb girls and some other friends and they were all eating. As I walked up she was getting up to throw away some trash. I excitedly said hey because I hadn’t seen her in a while but all she did was make eye contact for a few seconds and then kept walking.  She came back and was saying bye to everyone and she didn’t even look my way.  I should have noticed it then but I was so distracted by the rest of my friends and she was gone so fast I didn’t have time to give it a second thought. Now as I look back at that scene I am really bothered by it because she was obviously avoiding me, which means I hurt her in some way or she was angry at me for something. And I think I know why. The other night we had a conversation via facebook. It started out innocent enough, I complimented her on her profile picture and she on mine and we started kind of flirting innocently. The flirting started getting a tad more serious when I started asking her questions about herself and what she thought of me. So long story short I said some things I shouldn’t have, I made some assumptions that turned out to be false and I hurt her feelings. So now I’m asking myself why. Why on earth did I feel the need to compliment her on her profile picture? Why did, after she accepted the compliment and then complimented me did I have to continue flirting!! Why couldn’t I have just accepted the compliment and moved on? Well I have an answer for that as well. It’s because I’m insecure about myself. For some reason I am still insecure about my looks. I care way too much about what other people, namely girls, think about the way look. It’s turned into something I have to have. I have to have attention from girls to feel good about myself. And I’m afraid of them changing their minds. That’s why I couldn’t leave it at “I like yours too” I had to push and get her to give me more compliments, tell me good things about myself. That I was a good lookin’ guy. That I was sweet, a gentleman. That I loved God. I needed her to tell me these things and more. So I pushed and pushed and was willing to say anything to get her to return the favor. I showered her with compliments about her looks, her faith, her character, anything I could think of in hopes that she might tell me nice things about one of those aspects of my life. Like I said before I even made assumptions about her recent breakup. How douchy was that? I actually brought up something that might be tearing her up so that she would think that I was all wise and spiritual and be impressed by my advice and level of comfort I was able to bestow upon her. I wasn’t thinking about her feelings at all. I was only thinking about myself.  Is this the reason I am such a flirt? Is this why I always have to get attention from girls? Because I am not secure enough in Christ that I can rely on what he tells me in his word but that I have to go seeking praises from man? This has to change. I am essentially using girls when the primary reason I’m flirting with them is so they will give me attention and shower me with compliments and I refuse to do that. I will not use girls. That’s not me. I’m not like that. I have to continue to get closer to God so that I get my assurance from him and if someone else wants to compliment me that’s just icing on the cake  and not what I’m feeding off of. I really hope that I can fix this friendship that I royally screwed up. And I hope that I can get to a place where I don’t have to have girls’ attention all the time to feel good about myself. I know with God’s help I can and will overcome. 

Growing Up

I came home from college yesterday. I have been gone for at least a month maybe more. It was nice being around my family again. I was able to attend my younger sisters band program which was actually pretty good, and I was able to spend some good quality time with my youngest sister, which I haven’t done enough of. They are both growing up so fast. My youngest sister is finally starting to shoot up and has gotten pretty tough. I think soccer is helping with that. The older of the two has gotten her braces off and is absolutely gorgeous, she has the boys falling for her left and right. She has a good head on her shoulders though so I’m not too worried about her. I had the opportunity to attend the junior play at CBA (Corn Bible Academy the jr high, high school I graduated from). It was great to see everyone, but a strange sensation kept happening over and over again. It started as I walked up to the front doors of the school; I noticed how small it was. Now I know I’m not crazy but I could swear that it was a heck of a lot bigger the last time I was there. And as I stepped in the front doors into the building that was my second home for six years of my life the same thing happened. Everything was smaller. The single hall way where the majority of the classrooms and lockers were located that used to stretch out forever is now comically short, and as I stepped into the auditorium where we held chapel, class plays, meetings, watched movies, took naps. Where we goofed off during lunch and took all our school pictures. That place where I had been spiritually fed and worshiped with all my heart. I was overcome by the fact that, it too had become much smaller. And I started thinking back and remembering all the great times I had, people I loved. I thought back on all the heart breaks and crappy days I had. I think back and remember what it felt like to be a seventh grader coming to a brand new town and to a new school where I knew no one and how scary that was. I remember being in the eighth grade listening to the seniors give their testimony and telling us how quickly the time flew. I believed them but I never imagined how quickly time really would fly. I remember my freshman and sophomore years finally growing up a little bit more, and not being the youngest in the school. Then junior and senior year, being at the top of the food chain having a blast and just enjoying school because we could get away with pretty much whatever we wanted. Then graduation finally came and as soon as it had come, it was gone. Now the kids that were always the younger classmen are the ones who run the school. The seventh and eighth graders are now the juniors and seniors. It’s weird for me. Right now I am in a unique stage in my life where I have been in college for a couple of years now so I am well adjusted and dealing with those issues but I can still go back to high school and know students there. I start remembering some of the issues that I was facing and how trivial they were but they seemed huge to me at the time. As I gazed into the faces of these kids that I know and love I can’t help but wonder if they are going through the same things I did. I think about the issues I’m facing now that I’m a college student and it gives me peace to know that in a few short years I’ll be looking back on those issues and laughing at how petty some of them were. It’s also interesting to look ahead and imagine myself in my parents place. A couple of years ago at Christmas my mom’s side of the family was gathered at my grandparents house and all my aunts and uncles were lounging around in the living room. Most of them were napping and I just started gazing into their faces. As I did a thought struck me. They are just grown up teenagers. They are just like me, only they have lived longer and experienced more. They are just human beings who make mistakes and struggle with stuff just like I do. The difference is that they are in a different stage of life than I am, and since they have experienced most of the stuff that I have already they have the wisdom and knowledge to guide me through the issues that I am dealing with. Also the realization struck me that I will be where they are before I know it. It’s neat to imagine what my parents and their siblings were like when they were my age and then watch them grow up into the people they are today.

I suppose the lesson to be gained from all of that is simply this: help those who are following you, live fully with those who are surrounding you, and learn from those who have gone before you. And we must not forget that we were once that annoying little kid asking for help, and we will soon be the old person who is supposedly no help to society. Both are invaluable, necessary and to be treated with respect. And if we took the time to engage them we just might find that we could learn some valuable lessons.

I love you

As I was going about my I noticed how many different conversations I have with people. I didn't actually count, although that would be interesting to do some time. I think the number would be somewhere around… a lot. I started to notice something about my conversations with certain people. A phrase kept popping up over and over again, I Love You. Then the tune to a childhood song popped into my head "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me you. Won’t you say you love me too?" I started thinking about what I was actually saying, and wondering if I was guilty of taking the word love to lightly. I suppose the best way to start answering this question is asking what is love? What does it mean? (“what is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more” plays in my head) I remember learning about this several times in Sunday school in reference to the different ways Jesus showed his love for us. In the Greek language there are three different types of love, there is Eros (sexual, where we get our word erotic), Filio (bromance), and Agape (selfless love). Sometimes the English language is frustrating to me because I have to use the same word to describe my feelings for ice cream and movies as I do my feelings toward my family and friends. Love. I think from now on when a song pops into my head I’m gonna put in in italics “love is a many splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is looooove. Love is all you need.” So now that I have a decent understanding of the word love means am I using it correctly? Since three different forms of love don’t exist in the English language we have to show what we mean by our actions. The root of all true love should be agape and the other two should be based on the situation. Christ had an agape love, He was always selfless and served others until the day he died. I want to be like that. I want to without hesitation be able to meet someone and instantly be able to do anything for them because I love them with the love of Christ, especially if they are in the family of God. “I’m so glad I’m a part of the family of God, I’ve been washed in the fountain and cleansed by his blood.” That covers everyone, what about the ones who are special to me? The ones that I consider my brothers and sisters?   I guess I need to define what I consider family. The easiest way to do that is to look at someone I consider my brother. Josh Simon. What makes him my brother? Several things, first the length of time I have known him. Second, I can share anything and everything with him and him with me. I can trust him, and he trusts me. I can be myself around him and he with me. We can agree to disagree and still have discussions. We can talk for hours at a time. We have both made sacrifices for each other. I have a similar relationship with a few people other than him and when I say I love you to them I mean it in a filio way as well as agape. The last way I love people, and by people I mean girls is eros and I don’t really think I need to go into that :)

So when I tell someone I love them, it needs to come from an overflowing of Christ’s love in me. I need to be prepared to put them before myself (agape) and treat them as I would my brother or sister (filio). And if it evolves past those two into eros love that love needs to always stay grounded in the love of Christ and have the respect of family love. So to wrap up let me say from the bottom of my heart

I love You! 
 

Sadie Hawkins

So the Sigma Phi Lambda (a Christian sorority on campus) formal is approaching and a bunch of my friends have been asked to go and I have not. I would like to state that I am totally ok with that but it makes me curious as to why I haven’t been asked. One of my good friends in phi lamb told me several girls were thinking about asking me so I'm a little curious as to why I haven’t been invited. Which got me thinking about jr high and high school again, and this popped into my head:

"Sadie hawkins dance, in my khaki pants, there's nothing better. Girls ask the guys, it's always a surprise there's nothing better, baby do you like my sweater?" The tune to one of my favorite songs in junior high still ring in my ears today as clearly as the first time I heard Relient K sing of this strange event. The whole idea of the sadie hawkins actually came from a comic strip in the 1930's. In that comic world the town had a holiday every year in which the ladies of the town could ask the eligible bachelor of their choosing out on a date. According to the story Ms. Sadie Hawkins was the ugliest girl in town and it was her favorite holiday much to the dismay of all the single men of the town. Schools liked the idea and started hosting Sadie Hawkins dances and the rest is history.

I have always dreaded the sadie hawkins dance, it can never lead to any good for several reasons:

1. The male should be the one pursuing the girl not the other way around. It's the way things work. Guys naturally want to pursue girls and girls want to be pursued.

2. There are double standards with guys and girls. If a guy gets asked to a dance by a girl and he says no because he really doesn’t want to go with that girl he is a jerk. If a guy asks a girl out and she says no she is applauded for sticking up for herself. This creates problems for guys like me who don't want to be jerks.

3. Since girls don't normally pursue, some of them don't know how. For example one of my friends told me she was going to ask me to a dance but ended up asking someone else because she thought I had been asked. I hadn't. This leads to bunches of girls going without dates because they "couldn't find one" and single guys being left at home.

 Now I’ll admit I’m a little bias against it because the only girls in high school that ever asked me were the ones no one else would go with so they asked me because they knew I wouldn't say no. but the facts still stand. I think that sadie hawkins dances are silly and that we should just have dances, if a guy wants to invite a girl, let him and if a girl is brave enough to invite a guy, let her do it. I know the phi lamb formal isn't a sadie hawkins and they have to invite guys my thoughts just took me to the sadie hawkins dance. 

The Flirt (pt. 2)

I don’t think I am a flirt

Or am I ;)

Am I a flirt? I do like to tease girls. But does that make me a flirt? I think I do flirt sometimes but why do people assume that when I am joking around with them I am actually flirting with them? Why don’t I make myself clear? Maybe I want to be a flirt. Maybe I do like it. When I flirt with girls they pay attention to me, they tell me things that I like to hear. Perhaps the reason I flirt is because so that I can get affirmation. But why do I need that? I never had it in jr. high or high school, none of the girls told me how good I looked, or how strong I was. I didn’t flirt in high school. I couldn’t date in jr. high and high school. So what started it? Was it when girls started paying attention to me? When did that happen? I started dating when I was a junior. I had to flirt with her to let her know I was interested. Was that what did it? It must have been. Did she start flirting or did I? She was always pretty forward and pursued what she wanted; I think she started flirting with me first. Yes I know she did because she showed me a letter that she wrote for me a long time before we started dating. Ok so I started flirting to let a girl know that I was interested in her back and wanted to pursue a relationship with her. That relationship lasted for two years. Fast forward to the end of those two years, it’s the second semester of my freshman year of college. I really didn’t flirt with anyone last year and I didn’t really catch the attention of anyone because I had a gorgeous and wonderful girlfriend to occupy all my time and energy. So now take that girlfriend away and now I go from feeling like the most amazing, wonderful, strong, gorgeous male on the planet to feeling alone. There is no longer anyone telling me how good I look, how cool I am, how strong my arms are, how safe I make them feel. So what do I do to fill that gap? I start looking for affirmation from girls and for the first time a revelation hits me, the way to get girls to pay attention to me is to flirt with them.  No flirting equals no attention from girls which means in my mind I must not be as attractive and as awesome I thought I was.

So I guess that means I am a flirt, I flirt so I can get girls to pay attention to me and feel better about myself.

Am I ok with that?