Why am I so Inconsistent? Why can't I just make up my mind and do something about it? Why is it that when I make a decision not to do it I'll hold to it for a or two maybe even a couple of weeks but then I'll fall right back to it with much eagerness. Why is it that I feel like something I am doing is wrong. Like I should stop. But as soon as the opportunity arises to do it again I don't hesitate. It's so frustrating! I make up my mind that I'm going to start something, I'll get a ways into it and then slack off and not finish. It happens all the time. With the big stuff and with the small stuff. I don't finish. ever. Why? I just don't understand. I want to finish. I have the best of intentions. I'll even ask for help. I know I can't do it on my own, I have no problem admitting that. But no matter how many times I admit defeat, that I can't do it on my own and I need help, I always fail again. I always fall back to where I said I never wanted to go. It's driving me crazy and I can only imagine how it's effecting those around me. And here's the kicker. It only affects those who are closest to me that I don't want to hurt. Because they are the ones that I make the promises to over and over. I tell them I'm going to change, I'm a different person, I'm serious this time. And time after time I prove to them that I'm not a different person, I'm not going to change, and even if I was serious it doesn't matter. This is killing me. It's eating me alive. I don't know what to do or how to handle it! I remember the words of Paul when he said, the things I don't want to do are the things that I do, and the things I want to do never get done. I am so tired. I try putting the blame on others, saying that it's there fault for my failings. I try comparing myself to others and telling myself that I'm a better Christian than they are. I can make an excuse to justify anything. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I need help but I've know I've needed help for a while. I'm not afraid to admit that. But like everything else I'll start seeking help for a while and then just stop and not make an effort to continue. I don't know what to do. I can't completely turn away from my morals, my conscious, plans for the future, and position won't let me do that. but I can't seem to make any progress either. I'm just stuck in the mud spinning my tires with no hope of getting free. Any time I make a little progress I slip and sink deeper and deeper. I'm afraid of what I might have to do to break free. I'm running out of time. I'm making decisions that will effect the rest of my life. I'm so lost, I'm confused. I'm not confident in myself or the decisions I'm making. I'm wandering blindly in a snow storm hoping that I don't take a wrong turn and plummet off a cliff or fall into an icy pond. I need help. I need to be rescued. Help.
